I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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