I think scott just propositioned me for sex
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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