so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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