my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
