I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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