just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
