Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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