see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize