You really coming over, don't trick.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
