My cat gives me a boner
I want you more than these girls want KFC
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
