I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
He's on the porch naked. Help.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
