Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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