Apparently you make a good broom.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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