Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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