the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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