Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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