someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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