Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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