The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Life is so much better after having sex.
he was CRYING into my vagina
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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