I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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