Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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