do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
