Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
