I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
