WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
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