my phone needs a breathalizer
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
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