Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
