I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
