I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
