Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
