franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
