my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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