oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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