I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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