take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
