I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
