I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
