There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
