well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
