you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Randomize
