i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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