I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
