a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
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