When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
