i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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