i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
