This dress was meant to end up on your floor
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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