I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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