Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
