Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Rumble strips road head = magical
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize