my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
