Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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