omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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