Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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