I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
