And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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