Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Randomize
