I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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