i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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