worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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