Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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