Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize