i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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