I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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