I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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